How can this be?  I work my butt off coming up with a new approach to reading the Book of Nahum, complete with sources that logically back my thesis.  And yes some of my formatting was off, I received the grade I expected, but she, SHE got a 100%.  The girl who thought manna was bird poop, the girl who had no idea that King David was the same as the David and Goliath, and didn’t know “why anyone should care about him”!!!!!!   She regurgitated shit onto paper from direct quotes of simplistic sources.  When I asked her what her paper was over she said “Psalm 100”- what about it?- “I don’t know?”---- she doesn’t know?!  She didn’t learn a thing, and a reflection of that is a 100%, while I discovered perceptions that preachers never talk about and included my own backed-up theory and I get less than her!  A chimp could write her paper-  I could fucking plagiarize and have the same results!  But I didn’t.  I actually formulated my words, only to receive a grade that reflects “not as good as her.”  And because of that she will receive more scholarship money, she will receive more honors, and I –the one who has learned something from the class- will be forced to drop out because I can’t afford it.  This establishment was created for the individuals to fail, and the replicas to succeed!

College institutions are meant to shape students for the future. That shape is a fucking cookie-cutter-lay-out of people who repeat whatever they are told for a prize at the end.  And for Christian colleges it is the perfect pew warmer who adds to the numbers, both population and church income. They are meant to marry and have kids and never question the church.  Where does God play into this scheme you ask?  He doesn’t exist in the Christian college.  

I came to college to expand my mind, to learn, to think, to become, because I knew I could not reach those levels on my own, but I see that I have handed my brain over to a potter who is molding it into depravity.  I cannot hold out forever fighting against this brainwashed generation.  My greatest fear is that if I can not receive knowledge in any other form I will be starved to a point of becoming what I hate:  her.        

Somewhere in between college, experiences, philosophy, the Old Testament, D-group, and my amazing girls the epiphany hit me: to understand God on a fuller level I need to separate Him from my culture.  The Holy Spirit handed me the though of love and how God is love.  It seems so simple but do I understand what love is?

Thinking metaphorically, I have been taught by American culture that love is something you fall into, it’s irrational, and unpredictable, it just happens, no one knows why, and no one can stop it.  Look at our language and how we react to it:  “and then we fell in love,”  “love makes you do stupid things,” “looking for love in all the wrong places,” etc, etc.  The ideas tied to love are in the books we read, the movies we watch, the people we admire, and our own daily lives.

Yet other cultures do not take this view.  India, for example (because I spent two weeks there and that makes me an expert), sees love as a line on which people (points on the line) choose to either move toward the other or away from.  It is solid, controlled, predictable, and rational (of course I used the Western metaphor of linear thinking, which is not an accurate portrayal of Indian culture, but my point is evident:  love is perceived differently). 

Now take these two ideas of love and apply them to God.  Which is more accurate?  The unpredictable falling theory or the rational controlled?  Modern Protestantism would say B, but that would entail changing America’s entire concept of love and all that intertwines with it.  Is one right and one wrong?  Or can they both describe love which is God?

Basing my conclusion off experience, I feel like I do fall into God, that He is irrational and unpredictable.  There are days when I try to pray to Him, try to read scripture or other “holy” encounters and simply cannot.  I hit some sort of brick wall and panic because I feel like I must be doing something wrong to not be able to meet with God in my time that I seek Him.  Yet there are mornings that I wake up and spend the entire day conversing with God, finding revelations in His word and people.  Judging solely on my own experience it seems that some days God just chooses to let me in or keep me out (it just happens, I don’t know why), but when it is in I can’t not follow (no one can stop it). 

Sing your songs,

Pray your prayers,

And follow whom you will;

For invisible forces with draw you in.

Therefore purpose is irrelevant.

Frank shall come,

To save the children.

Frank whose Father is Frank,

Will destroy this earth.

Frank who is Frank because his Father was Frank,

Follow Him: He has/did/will came.

In them experience fresh design.

Resistance is immature.

Futile!

What struggle can be won against the Universe?

Acceptance is the only practical path.

Give in to the Blue Satanic Bunny:

He is God!

Over Spiritualism-

To turn everything into a holy experiance.

But is it really?

Because I think you made that up.

I don't think God works that way at all times.

Maybe I shouldn't think for God.

Maybe is an understatement.

But do you seriously think that saying a bunch of crap about how the Holy God is so mystically mysterious in every aspect of your freaking life makes me want to live like you?

Bleck... I vomit all over you!

All over you and your 'holier than thou attitude'

Over you and the church that commends you for your actions.

I would rather be a mess than you.

I am a mess compared to you-

and I think I like this. 

I think I like God fixing me and breaking me rather than experiancing Him upon every moment.

And yes, the placement of fixing and breaking is important.

I think I don't like you. 

And I don't like over spiritualism because it feels like a lie.

God didn't write this-

I did.

It isn't spiritual, it's crap.

Those words are not interchangable. 

God should not be given credit for crap,

He's too good for that.

Standing in the crowd I feel alone.  With the deffening tones of an entire world of intricatly intertwined members busily persueing their next action, I stand in the direct middle unplugged and alone.  Not that I could not join or even that I had not been invited, for crowds of this multitude often notice the one unconneted because they once were and wish for their own structure to grow to the point where they can become an empire.  So seeing me alone they see power in my jointhood.  But despite their efforts I stand alone. 

 I feel the solitude of one amoung many and sink into the deep satisfaction that I have not the resposibilty of the mob.  I have not the time constraints nor the stress. His blood is not on my hands, I am uninvolved.  I can simply be and let be for I am distant.  I am alone. 

I can not run and play for that is unique which is quite different than alone.  I must stay in the center and display the content aimless appearance of a cradled babe, lest I start a following of my own.  That is after all what happens to the unique, they wander in curiosity until one day they stop to turn themselves back around to the path they had just left to find that it is blocked by the line of followers intent upon their new rabi. 

I shall not have it.  I will remain in the middle of this large crowd, so terribly alone.  I will continue to gaze in bewilderment and ignore the cries of the cliques.  I am alone and remain alone in my uneasy state of singular bliss.